Cat in the Hat, Yurtle the Turtle, and Right Said Fred

Back in kollij I was fortunate enough to be one of (about) two people in my small circle of closer friends to not be referred to by either a nickname or my last name. There aren't a lot of Lukes, so why would I need one; it's not like the ten Matts I knew. Unlike RK, the other who didn't have a nickname but quietly wanted one since he had never had one, I was quite content without. I think this drove my certifiably insane roommate (whom we only slightly jokingly referred to as "Killer") crazier, so he set out to give me a nickname. Nothing stuck until one day my senior year when over winter break I read the LOTR trilogy, and somehow he got the nickname "Books" to stick. What a lame nickname. The irony is that I only read a total of four books during college: the trilogy and the Silmarillion (I was a hit with the ladies).

If I remember correctly, I read a lot of books for fun before college, I just didn't have the time nor the desire to read during college. Now that I've had time to read (half hour bus rides twice a day are fantastic), I've rediscovered the joy of books and have gobbled up dozens in the last few years. (That's a lot for me, because I read slowly - I might as well move my lips because I read out every single word in my head. Hopefully that is driving you crazy. Also, you are now aware of your blinking and breathing. I win.)

I figure I have about four more months to enjoy my own books... and then we all know what's going to happen after that. No more joy for me. I will be forced to read *gasp!* fiction. Oh, I've worked my way through some fiction here and there. I forced myself through Don Quixote, I enjoyed every page of The Brothers Karamazov, I just finished a science fiction book, although I still can't explain why I was compelled to purchase it, I even re-read that awful novella your had you read in high school, Heart of Darkness.





The only two books I have been unable to finish were both fiction: Ulysses, which I have started three times, getting as far as page 120 of >700, and Nostromo, which I will probably try to fight through some time this year despite pretty much having decided that I can't read Joseph Conrad. I just have difficulty with fiction. I'm not smart enough to "get" it, I think. Unless the themes are completely obvious (think: Dostoevsky with sin and redemption), I usually finish thinking that I probably missed the point.

My other major problem is that I cannot suspend my disbelief. This is going to be my major problem with children's books (which is what I'm talking about, if that wasn't clear... and it wasn't). You're going to start a cold war over which side of your bread is buttered? O RLY? Brother Bear was given his name, although his parents couldn't be certain that he would ever be a brother? How, exactly, would one steal Christmas, Mr. Grinch? (Please, I'm actually begging to know that one so we can end the stupidity once and for all.) What kind of sociopath advocates hopping on pop? Pop is getting old, and his bones hurt because of his bonitis!


I am going to completely - unintentionally - ruin these books for my daughter. I can see myself now, reading Dr. Seuss, taking care to point out the obvious (WTF, cats can't talk!) and not-so-obvioius flaws (and they don't even like multi-colored top hats!), and I'll suggest alternative directions that the author should have taken the story to make it more believable, you know, because as someone with a strong math background I am such a great writer and so artistically creative.* (The cat should have come in the house, demanded to be fed, pooped in some sand, vomited, and then ignored the children completely before falling asleep.) Plus, I also plan on introducing the story like this: "Let's read The Cat in the Hat by Theodore Geisel, because it's not a good idea to lie about your name, sweet baby, especially to cops."

In all seriousness, I also plan on reading her big fat books with no pictures that cover very boring topics that I like so that she will actually learn things. My baby will be the world's foremost toddler expert on Classical civilization on the Iranian plateau.

A real Iranian man I saw in a documentary once

This was too long. I should have just written, "I dislike most works of fiction, so I'm going to have to read Dr. Seuss books through clenched teeth before going ahead and reading my daughter books that I enjoy."

*Psych!**

**I really want to bring "Psych!" back into the lexicon of the cool kids