I will call her... Mini-shme.

If I can paraphrase Dr. Astrohollish (Motto: Bringing wooden shoes to SPAAAAAAAAAACE!) again , Lenny is lucky enough to be graced (<- pun not intended) with 50% of my DNA, but this is a precipitous drop off from absolute perfection. Alas and alack for the nonexistence of human cloning!

But soft! What light through yonder test tube breaks? It is cloned yeast, and Lenny is the sun son daughter!*

Of course we know cloning exists. It's been featured in documentaries I have seen. They even had the technology long ago (in a galaxy far away). Just ask Boba and his "father" Jango Fett.**


And don't forget the series of films depicting the actions of British hero Austin Powers, when Dr. Evil (who was like dictator of Freedonia or something, I don't have a history book with me... just the entire internet) who cloned himself and concentrated his own evil a la Sauron or Tide Ultra.***



Well, when I was "in" "San Diego" at the "Advanced Metallization Conference"**** I had myself cloned, but to pull the wool over everyone's eyes (I shouldn't be admitting this, but my hands are operating freely of my brain) I had the Y chromosome substituted with an X. Lo and behold, my she-clone Lenny. (I mean, Luke, Lenny, you didn't think I was such a huge egomaniac to give my child a name that started with the same letter as mine... unless she was me[ish], did you? MWAHAHAHAHA!)

These are four pictures, two of me, two of her (you have to click it to actually see it). They don't do the similarities justice. Nobel Prize (or Supermax prison) here I come!*****



*This is the wittiest thing I have ever written in my life. :(

**"Father" in quotation marks because Jango's marriage was just a ruse; he was obvs ghey. I mean, a green cape and a codpiece?****** Really?

***Tide is the most evil detergent. Riptides kill uncounted people every year, and that company makes a joke of it. A freshness after the storm-smelling, stain-free, snuggleable joke. Disgusting.

****No one believed that was really the name of a conference, did they? Suckas!

*****I will settle for the happy medium of Swedish minimum security prison.

******I know that's Boba, but they're clones, peeps.

Give me stuff!

One of the many reasons for my well chronicled disliking of Christmas is that I hate receiving gifts. Hate. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. No, I can't explain it. That wasn't the reason that I didn't enjoy registering for Ariane's baby shower, though. I conveniently uninvited myself/declined a non-existent invitation, so Ariane is in charge of receiving the gifts, and the none to trivial "having to be the center of attention," which I avoid like the plague unless I can get others to laugh at me (or if I am performing incredible feats of strength). The reason I didn't like registering for the shower was that I had no idea what I was doing. In my nearly 27 years, my interaction with babies and related products is nil. I can't think of a thing. I do know that I am not stupid enough to realize that all baby product prices are jacked up insanely.

However, I must say that by far I enjoyed registering at Target more than Babies R Us, partially because I never understood what in the world Babies R Us is supposed to mean, but mostly because Target's scanning device was much easier to play with like it was a ray gun.


I can't be the only one who spent 90% of the time zapping things, pretending they were Zerg or Storm Troopers or something of the like, while my wife was doing the important work of selecting which organic cotton pajamas she prefers or looking for anything that wasn't made in GD China. If you are wondering, yes, I did "fire" too many times (and, yes, I was making "pew pew pew!" sounds and ducking in between aisles, and I think I almost accidentally "shot" an Asian lady) and I drained the batteries before I could get it back to the front desk so I got The Look™ when it ran out. We thought we had lost all the work we had already done, but it was all good. Luke is in control here. Awwwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Ultimately, we registered for (I think, and hope) most of the stuff we need. Plus, I see someone has already purchased a Baby Bjorn for us, which means someone is being very generous or someone has already pictured me wearing it and enjoys my pending public humiliation. Possibly both. At least I won't have to do make one on my own.

So, we're having a kid

Right, so I figure this is going to be the easiest way to keep everyone informed as to what's going on from down here, especially regarding Futurekid. I figure we can post pics and videos, and link other stuff. I have no idea how involved Ariane will be in this, but it's Blogger, so there's virtually no learning curve. (You don't even need to know simple html tags like everyone's favorite* BLINK tag, or typing uʍop ǝpısdn. WOO!)

If she does get involved (hopefully), then this is gonna be a bilingual blog. Plus, that'd be good so I could go ahead and upload stupid stuff that Ariane will claim she doesn't find funny [Ed. note: Yes she does] along with stuff you actually want to see.

For example, Ariane holding some baby clothes (click for really big images):


Juxtaposed with something a million times funnier:



So that's that. Bookmark it. Comments are enabled for anonymous commenting, but srsly since only family will read this, might as well give yourself a profile so we know who is commenting or, you know, call us.

*Nobody likes the blink tag.