My understanding of genetics is lacking

Undoubtedly, one of the more enjoyable things about having (a) child(ren) will be watching them become (an) individual(s) with their own thoughts and opinions. Naturally, I wish this weren't the case, and that my child comes to share my opinions on everything, if not my (alleged) annoying mannerisms. As long as Futurekid turns out to be a good, responsible person, I'll be happy. [Ed. note: Disregard this statement if child becomes a Yankees fan.] I am quite confident that this will be the case for one reason: incredible genetics. This kid is going to blessed with 50% of my DNA (but, like Hollish once noted, this will represent a precipitous drop off from perfection, but human cloning is technologically unreliable right now). Hopefully this 50% includes the engineer wiring in my brain. You know, love of math, science, and general nerdery, thinking in 1's and 0's, enjoying the soothing sound that dial-up internet access used to make on your modem, social awkwardness... well, maybe not everything.

Beyond that, my genetic code is like 75% Gallic. THAT'S RIGHT, ATTENTION NON-AMERICANS: I AM ~3/4 FRENCH (Hollish, Ariane, I'm looking at you - virtually). According to always-accurate stereotypes, this means my child will become a chain smoker (fatherhood: fail), like artsy films (fatherhood: fail), wear berets while riding bicycles with a baguette in the basket (fatherhood: fail, except for the baguette, which is delicious, although carried in a basket, we'll call it a draw), and be a great lover (fatherhood: DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS EVER).


The rest is a mish-mash of Swiss, Spanish (and then Mexican, believe it or not), Scottish, English, and - hell I don't know - let's go with Tajik for kicks.

Add to this the 50% of DNA generously donated by Ariane to water down my genes. In turn, Ariane's DNA is 50% Teutonic. (Does this word apply to all Germanic peoples, or just Germania-based? I am too lazy to look that up.) If you need further explanation as to why that's a good thing, I'll let Vince from ShamWow! yell at you while pointing menacingly.
That's right Vince, their products kick major ass. My child is going to be able to soak up twenty times its weight in cola [Ed. note: Holy shit, that's a lot of cola!], and not just on the surface of the carpet, but underneath! That's your mildew. You know that is going to smell. My kid will also dry sweaters, cars, dishes, etc. Anything wet, really. It's going to be incredible.

The only possible drawback to Ariane's German genes is that it places Futurekid genetically closer to this young lady singer from craptastic teenie-bopper band Tokio Hotel.

Actually, she's pretty hot... What's that you say? That's a 19 year old guy? Shiver.  It's like that chick from Hanson all over again.

Seriously, if I have a boy that ends up like Bill Kaulitz, it's going to be fatherhood: epic fail. A girl that ends up like Bill Kaulitz? Um. I don't know... Epic push? Can a push be epic? With any luck, emokids will have died a quick yet extremely painful cultural death by 2020. (Attn. emokids: If Tokio Hotel isn't emo, guess what, I don't care. Thanks, Mgmt.) Either way, that potential result gets preemptively pinned on Ariane.

The balance is then Croatian. I think it's fair to say that the American grasp on Croatian stereotypes is slim. Maybe that means our kid will be good-ish at basketball?


Because I don't really know a good Croatian basketball player, I posted Darko wearing a stupid wig instead, because c'mon, that's funny. If the kid turns out to have this skill and actually likes basketball, and considering I suuuuuuuuuuuuuck at basketball, that special time in a father's life when kid can beat father in one on one and Dad has to start calling phantom fouls to try to save face might come when Futurekid is like five, even if Futurekid's a girl who is holding a Barbie in her non-dominant hand.

Just please don't become the next Vince from ShamWow! or Billy Mays, Futurekid.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to deal with enough of your screaming during your first years of life.  I won't need you to be doing that on my TV when I'm 60.  

Kinderbloggen has gone global.  This post published from Germany.