Rabbit's foot

Update (May 3): Add two more wins for baby, now 14-1-1 in baseball, 1-0 on the road. Plus it turns out Mom is a hex upon Baylor, as they gave up 31 runs (against this rather baaaaaaad Texas offense) and committed ten (ten!) errors in the two games we were at. That makes Texas 2-0 against Baylor in Waco on my birthday in games attended by me. Warning: Sample size is not statistically significant.

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The better you know me, the more you know that I am an anthropomorphic pox on the fortunes of my favorite sports teams. I single-handedly count as -3 points in any game I attend, Vegas would be wise to track my movements. There was a streak from the early nineties until I got to Mizzou that my teams did not win a single game I attended (I am convinced this is true).

Oh, there have been some highlights since 1992. I attended the Mizzou-Iowa State basketball game over winter break in 2000-2001, a 3OT thriller when Clarence "I think I'll just jack another three" Gilbert jacked uncountable threes... and actually made some of them. I was at the first Mizzou football win over Nebraska since (literally) before my birth. That was possibly the best game I have ever attended, and was made even better by the fact that I was able to run onto the field with thousands of other students without being one of the baker's dozen who actually got arrested, like my friend Boner did. Plus, the next day we were able to spot Snots in the background of the picture on the front page of the paper by locating the V pattern in his hair caused by his early male-pattern baldness, which was awesome times a million. And the first college baseball game I ever attended was a Texas win over Oklahoma in which Adrian Alaniz threw a no-hitter (only one I've ever seen) and occurred in the same season that UT won their sixth title.

But good god there have been serious stinkers, more than wins. I remember going to a Blues game for one of Zack's friend's birthdays when we got to sit in a box. Problem was they were playing the Devils back in their neutral zone trap days, and the next day the Post-Dispatch referred to the game as the "most boring Blues game in years." So that was awesome. Every Stanley Cup playoff game I ever attended was almost certainly a loss to the Red Wings, although luckily I didn't attend the hockey game that made me sicker to my stomach than any game in any sport I have ever watched (Game 7, Overtime, Yzerman, Blue line, Casey; you know what I'm talking about). And I am trying to forget the Mizzou Homecoming win over Kansas where supposedly the players ran to the goal posts after the game and began tearing them down and the student section begrudgingly joined in. Kansas!

But all of that is changing for Ol' Luke, and there's only one possible explanation: My baby is such good luck that it overtakes my bad luck. Consider this: from 2004 to mid-2008, my teams* in games attended by me were (as best I can recall) 5-8. Altogether, that's not such a bad record compared to my past, but it's 2-2 in football (two Mizzou losses to Texas, Texas wins vs. Rice [oooooh!] and North Texas [aaaahh!]; obviously we weren't springing for football tix before Ariane enrolled) and a bad 4-6 in baseball.

Since last summer? An astounding 25-4-1, which breaks down as 6-1 in football (Mizzou lost to Texas in Austin for the loss), 3-1 in basketball (Mizzou beat Texas in Austin for one of those wins, plus this includes how Texas somehow beat UCLA in December), 1-0 in women's basketball, 3-1 in softball, and (here's the big one) 12-1-1 in baseball so far this season.

Odds are we won't get football tickets this year. It's too hot/loud/busy/terrible all around to bring a baby. Baseball baby can go to. Everybody else brings their babies. I think Disch-Falk Field may contain the highest number of Baby Bjorns per attendee in the world.

That baseball record has me convinced that she'll be a softball player, probably a pitcher, driving her mother crazy with the windmill motion. All I know is that I need to start gambling on the outright scores.

*Oops, forgot to explain that my teams are Texas in everything unless they are playing Mizzou in football or basketball. There are no other teams because there is no one else to watch down here, unless I finally decide to pony up about $20 to go watch the Austin Toros of the D-League just to heckle Quin Snyder.

You throw like a girl

I had no plans to write about sports, but after the weekend we had the topic seems appropriate. Specifically, I mean girls' sports, because this weekend (for the first time in my nine years [Ed. note: sweet jeebus kill me] of college, mind you) I attended some of what you may call Athletic Competitions Between Squadrons of Female Players. That's right, a women's basketball game and three (count 'em) three softball games. Free student tickets are overflowing with win. I know this is years in the future, and I really should be concerning myself with figuring out how to do things like bathe a baby, or maybe not misplacing her for hours on end, but whatever, this is on my mind and this is my blog.

I found myself thinking that if Girl ends up interested in sports, I am not going to have any clue as to the best way to support her in that endeavor (this falls under the umbrella of "Having a daughter, now what do I do?"). With boys it's easy: you support them athletically [Ed. note: tee hee!] by questioning their toughness and manhood. That fires up their lizard-brain into the "fight" response. Plus, it has the added bonus of teaching them a life-lesson, namely I am the boss and even if you go all Oedipus on me you still lose because dude you just totally married your mom. Case closed, I'll take my commission now. Girls' sports are a completely different beast. Just this weekend I noticed the many contrasts between women's and men's sports. Women:

1) Cheer for each other openly and un-self consciously
2) Don't frequently yell at teammates
3) Don't spit
4) Don't scratch
5) Don't take cheap shots
6) I assume minimally swear
7) Lack an intent to injure

The "Rah rah" attitude is nonexistent in men's sports, where the only acceptable cheering is that which is tagged with an insult, e.g. "Let's go defense, you're getting blown off the ball!" Seriously, do a Google Image search for "girls sports" and the first thing that comes up is a drawing that says "Rah Rah! Go team go!" (Hilariously, the second is two Sports By Brooks girls.) The Florida State softball team started their own Tomahawk Chop - complete with singalong - a couple times this weekend. You think any men's team would cheer like that?


Additionally I had to turn off my normal fan response. During one of the softball games the first basewoman (right, my sistahs?) dropped a throw from short and someone in the stands (a fan of her own team, actually) yelled, "Can we please get a first baseman who can catch the damn ball!" And let me tell you I was shocked. I didn't know you could do that, because they are girls and you are supposed to be nice to them. That's what I always learned. Does it not apply to girls' sports? And if not, how bad are you going to feel if you make them cry? Do you have to apologize? I really don't know. I would have thought the proper reaction would be (WARNING: GROSS OVERGENERALIZATION TO FOLLOW) to immediately freeze up uncomfortably worrying that she would cry after making the error, and then tell her that it's all right, despite the fact that you know you can't give the opposition extra outs. Obligatory Adam Morrison crying picture:


There's no way I could ever be involved with any girls' sports teams. The coaching psychology has to be completely different. Down at halftime, what do you tell your team? From my experience, you yell incoherently about not being tough enough and blah blah blah. I don't think you can do that with a girls' team.

Plus, it's not like I know a single thing about the actual sports that girls play. I am going to guess that the most popular sports for young girls in the U.S. are soccer, basketball, and softball, in that order. To me, those might as well be Calvinball. I played sports specifically where I could play and have a very low chance at actually touching the ball. I touched the ball zero times in four years of football (including the one play where the coach let me play fullback for one down in practice, which was my dream... and oh by the way we ran a sweep to the left against our defensive starters and I sealed our end and the running back busted it for a touchdown but NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING COACH). I touched it maybe twice in two (three?) years of lacrosse where I played defense and got a 6' long metal stick and the go-ahead from the rulebook to whack people. Wrestling has no ball. And my season and a half at rugby was a disaster when I played 12 and wing in the backfield, but was surprisingly delightful when I shifted to 6. And what do all of those have in common? Essentially, all my job was was to hit people, and the harder the better. Girls don't do that.


Plus injuries, dear lord the injuries. Girls hurt their knees all the time, despite the fact that they don't injure themselves in other ways by doing dumb alpha-male things, like punching each other while wearing football helmets. I would wager that 100% of female basketball players above the age of 14 tear an ACL. Women's ligaments are made of overcooked spaghetti. Then after they rehab, they'll immediately tear their meniscus. Ariane said something about having never hurt her knees, but I am convinced that she actually shredded them and didn't feel anything because the pain in her ankles from however many surgeries she had overpowered it.

If someone gets hurt, I can't see a girl down on the field and point and laugh like I could if it were a Nebraska football player or such. I can't even look at her and think "Awesome, that was their best player!" I would feel bad - and I don't like that women have successfully managed to mix hypothetical feelings into my sports. The only three feelings that should be associated with sports are a.) rage when you lose reducing to emptiness if the losing is perpetual, b.) contentment when you win (not happiness, though; there's another game next week and you could lose that one), and c.) (for Mizzou fans only) a sick feeling in your stomach wondering why you are losing so badly or on special occasions how you're going to blow the lead you have.

Don't watch this:


Side note: Turns out I love watching softball (at least in person). There is something about stick and ball sports that make them infinitely enjoyable in person and bo-ring on TV. I will be dragging Ariane to softball games now, provided they don't conflict with baseball. I'll also be signing Girl up for this when she's old enough. No soccer for her, soccer is boring.

tl;dr: Girls' sports are weirder than I had previously thought, and I hope my daughter doesn't tear up her knees if she plays anything.