On to more serious matters

The mailbag is overflowing with message upon nothing. Let's dip in and see what we find, shall we?

"[W]hat is your take on the
impending transition from Leno to Conan on the tonight show? How much is
Leno's new primetime show going to make my grandparents laugh? Does Jimmy
Fallon stand a chance taking over Conan's spot? And will Carson Daly
finally disappear in the transition from analog to digital TV?" -- Christian in Chicago

Impending? I thought that was years off. As far as I am concerned, however, this is full of win. Leno is fail, Conan used to write for and produce the Simpsons (back when it was the Most. TV show. Evar.) Leno won't even make your grandparents laugh. He's actually too edgy for them. Why would Jimmy Fallon get Conan's gig? Is Carson Daly still on TV? I suspect I don't stay up late enough to answer those questions.

And there you have it: the least informative mailbag ever. You now know my limitations on issues of pop culture. Don't dare ever ask a question about a song that you heard on the radio, it would be embarrassing for both of us when I would have no idea who you were talking about. I'd say radio makes me feel older than anything else. Partially because they play Nirvana on classic rock stations (Nirvana for chrissakes! Kurt Cobain's body is still warm!), partially because a wise man once told me, "You don't become old when you don't know the name of the person singing on the radio, you become old when you don't care that you don't know the name of the person singing on the radio," and I do not at all care.



Update (10:37 PM 24 Jan): I would like to add that I just learned who Lil Wayne was like three months ago, and I constantly get his songs mixed up with TI, who I just learned about like four months ago.

Mailbag

Time to sort through the mailbag! And because I care so deeply for my readers, I am going to take the time to go ahead and answer every single question submitted to Kinderbloggen since the last mailbag. Let's open it up!

"Will Sham-Wow Vince become the new Billy Mays, and if so, how many of his products will be made in Germany?" -- Aaron in Kansas City
No. Billy Mays doesn't believe in his products, but pretends to. There is no way one man can have legitimate faith in so many "As seen on TV!" products. Vince on the other hand, he's sneakier than Billy Mays. He's infiltrating your trust by selling only one product, extolling its virtues... but beware, this snake-oil salesman has pulled the wool over our eyes. Think about it: What is the first word in ShamWow? Vince is making no attempts to actually hide his dissatisfaction with the absorptive capacity of his German-engineered towel.

You might ask, Luke, how is this relevant to my expected child? It's not. Aaron in Kansas City is clearly nuts. Stay off drugs, moms-to-be.


All right, that was the entire bag. Until next time, you stay insane, readers!

Promoting reader feedback: A questionable decision.

I hope all seven of our readers listen very closely to the C-Plus Augustus on this one: Women deserve love.  The problem is, the ladies are getting NO love here.  As I look at the tally in the poll, it is Boy - 3, Centaur - 4, Girl - 0. Zero. The thought of a cute little baby girl is apparently something so unsettling that the Kinderbloggen audience (again, all seven of you) would be more comfortable predicting that my baby is going to be some half-man, half-horse nightmare fuel organism.  Centaur, just a throw-away joke, really, might win the reader vote. At this point, it looks like "girl" is out of the running.  Who are you weirdos?  

Of course, I am sure that everyone realizes this virtually guarantees that the baby is a girl.  If it turns out the readers are right and my baby is a centaur, then I will have to make sure that my child develops an interest in archery.  Then I will send him forth to repeatedly inflict damage on my enemies, -2 HP every turn.  Since my enemies are now on notice, I should forewarn them to make sure to cast an enchantment to minimize the destructive power that my terribly mutated child will inflict.  Having a centaur is going to be so sweet... Great, now you've all gone and got my hopes up.

Considering that the results of this reader poll have made me doubtful of the predictive power of our readers, and the whole "wisdom of the crowd" theory has apparently been proven to be baloney, you may have kissed your chances at more polls good bye.  Think of the things that could have been thrown your way, valued reader!  Hair color?  You would have such options as "Blond(e)," "Brown," or "Red." You would vote "Snakes."

For eye color, your options would be brown, green, or blue.  You would choose "a VISOR (Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement) attached at the temples that would provide him with vision by interfacing directly with his brain." While that would be all fine and dandy, because the device would enable him to "see" much of the electromagnetic spectrum – radio waves, infrared, ultraviolet, the VISOR hasn't been invented yet, once again proving the failure of our audience to correctly predict Futurekid's physical features.

Another type of reader feedback we have is email.  As you have probably guessed, we get swamped here with fan mail and questions regarding how we manage to lead rock star-type lives with a baby on the way and both of us in school. The simple answer is that rock stars have good time-management skills and go to bed at reasonable hours every night, including weekends.

  

However, I know that a "simple answer" won't be sufficient for our committed readers.  Therefore, out of appreciation for our fanbase, I'd like to take a moment to respond. Please remember that, although I'd like to, I can't possibly respond to all your mail. I'm calling this semi-regular feature "Ask Kinderbloggen!" Onto the 'bag:

"Hey, so I see you've entered the world of blogs." -- Zack in St. Louis
Yes, but that wasn't really a question.  

I hope you enjoyed this installment of "Ask Kinderbloggen!" If you have a question that you would like to have answered in a future installment, email me and put "Mailbag" in the subject line. If you don't have the right subject line, I'm just going to treat it like a real email and write you back.